Rainy March, rainy April, rainy May, and WIND!

So up until about a month ago, I figured the weather here was pretty much the same as the weather I'm used to back home. The autumn was very familiar, though lacking wind storms, and the winter was pretty much identical to the typical Canadian west coast winter, but once we got into spring, things started to get weird. I'm used to a windy rainy March, and maybe a bit into April, but certainly by the time it's late April and definitely May, I would expect more sunny weather than not. Such is not the case here. While the sun does show its face from time to time, one cannot dress as if it were a sunny day, for the sun only comes out of hiding intermittently, and when it's gone, it's gone, replaced by harsh cold November-esque winds, and pelting rain. And it is past the middle of May. In a mere two weeks it will be June, but it still feels like March, and a mean March at that. The thing I'm most sick of though is not the rain... I can deal with rain. It's the excessively strong winds, day after day. Well, I suppose I have really assimilated to this English environment if I have deigned to talk here of the weather. I'm quite sure no one really cares.

FUNDING

Will somebody, anybody, please just fund my PhD?! Or just pay my tuition? Or my living expenses? Either or both, any kind of contribution!!!!! I'm getting tired of the rejection letters and emails. Really, really tired.

nonsense sounds pleasant

blueberry bushes rushing pushing
leaves smiles sleeves sinking
thinking winking eyes despise dye crimson
began becoming yesternight today
yellow willows trill
window billows
sheets sleep
sleet sheets down spirals black
sheep pleasing crack wings lambs
stinking sticks stick flowing
knowing why where how
now then when
noises please bees come whirling soaring screaming leaving

Absolutely Cuckoo

Sunny spring, sunny break. Sunny sunny spring break. I am mostly over my quarter- or mid-life crisis (evident in previous posts), and have resolved that there is no other career for me but that which I had originally intended. Professor. Who cares if it doesn't change the world, or really matter to anyone else outside of academia? Everyone has to do something, have some kind of job, so why shouldn't I do this. It might be fun, it might not be. What else would I do? I could not come up with a suitable (or any) answer, therefore, I suppose professor it is. And languages, hey, sure, why not? I already know something about a few, so as long as I don't set myself up for failure by overloading my system or something, I think I should be fine. I can't know everything, and I don't want to. In fact, though I have put away the Swedish for the time being (which is certainly for the best--there'll be time enough for Swedish when I'm old[er by a few months]), I have been doing German, with the help and encouragement of a good friend, and have been making consistent progress.

What a lovely Easter break, though. I certainly appreciate an entire month without any classes (ok, so I only have 2 classes, but they make me read an inordinate amount of things to prepare for each week!). Such a break is unheard of in North America. The British know where it's at. Haha, oh dear. Although I must say that it is at times boring, but luckily there's a person or two with whom I can pass the time and relieve boredom. How do I manage to be bored, have fun, and still write a running total of over 6000 words for the two essays I've been working on? Needless to say this break has been productive, and it's only half over . . .

Now, go do yourself a favour and look up (then purchase, of course) the 3-volume album '69 Love Songs' by The Magnetic Fields. This will be one of the best investments you make this year, I assure you, you will not regret it.

I hate effing languages

The gmail is going back to English from Íslenska straight away. I have decided, or realised, finally, that my constant search for knowledge and my constant need (whether a legitimate need or not) to study languages, are in fact attempts to flee and hide from myself and my feelings about things that I have experienced in the far and recent past, both things that I got myself into, as well as things that were inflicted upon me, or which I could not aviod experiencing. I guess I haven't wanted to confront how I actually feel about certain things which in some cases have for a long time been closed issues. I think it also comes down to not feeling satisfied with myself, and that I am in some way inadequate, haven't lived up to someone's expectations, even if only my own. I have been running for years, and I am exhausted.

några tankar

SOME THOUGHTS. No, not in Swedish. I just felt like having a Swedish title. Because I'm actually sort of trying to learn Swedish. I tell myself I have to, and it feels like a chore, and then I wonder if I really have to learn it, because I wonder if the purpose for which I am learning it is really worth pursuing after all. But then, I just thought, if I don't seriously learn to read Swedish, or at least enough to get by reasonably well with a dictionary, I will have seriously to learn to read German, there will be no escaping it; I feel like if I learn Swedish I might be able to get by not actually learning German. But in the end I will probably have to learn both, and I'll probably have to have to learn German better than Swedish. Or at least I will have to use it more often. Because there's just one thing really that I need to learn Swedish for, and perhaps some references from that one thing. I don't have any plans to go to Sweden, though I love it there. If I went back to Sweden, I'd want to see the north and the west, the mountains of Jämtland near Norway. I suppose learning Swedish will set me well on the road to killing at least 3, maybe 4 or even 5 birds with one stone, as Danish and Norwegian won't be far off if I have Swedish, and if I manage to dance in Danish and/or especially Norwegian then my Icelandic will improve, and hey, if I ever really wanted to try out Faroese I guess I could. So Swedish it is. But then there's still German. Academic German no less. I can ignore that question for now, though it will haunt me like an owl soon enough.

I am a xenophile. Perhaps unhealthily. I ignore myself and my own heritage in order to pursue a knowledge of others' histories and cultures and languages. Learning Swedish et al. does not fall under this rubric however. Learning those Northern Germanic languages is a chore, whether I enjoy the process or not. Perhaps I will, but maybe I won't go to that Swedish conversation group on Friday. We shall see. My xenophilia is manifest in my odd love of all things Finnish, and most things Estonian. Ingrian? Sure! Karelian? Why not? Hungarian, perhaps. I don't know what it is about Uralic languages, and especially the Finno-Ugric ones, but I have a thing for them. I have a thing for them real bad. It seems irrational even. I don't know why I do. Apparently I started getting interested in Finnish when I found out Quenya was based on it--why learn a useless elvish language when I could learn a real one that sounds just as nice or even better. I must admit, Finnish is very aesthetically pleasing to my little North American ears. I could I suppose try to learn Saanich or Halkomelem or something closer to home, but I think by the time I learned enough to get by even in the very slightest, all the speakers of those languages would be dead. Such is the fate of the Salish languages and all their deliciousnesses. I will stick to the Finno-Ugric then. Though I doubt I will really ever learn any. What I need to do is move to Finland. I quite liked Helsinki when I was there. It seems a very liveable city. Unfortunately my current and future circumstances won't likely allow me to get there.

It is Estonian independence day on Tuesday the 24th of February. That day is also Shrove Tuesday. I very much want to run around the university with my massive Estonian flag draped across my shoulders, and eat pancakes for dinner. Knowing me, it will likely not happen, because first of all, I am not the best at making pancakes, though that would be an excuse for having my Canadian maple syrup . . . and secondly, I am too much of a snail to actually run around draped in the Estonian flag. Heaven forbid I actually run into an Estonian. What would I say? Hum, yes, I have a strange obsession with your country. 'Ilus on maa'--I think it's beautiful and lovely and your language is very nice too. How nice that you have a 'Singing Revolution' in your history. Perhaps I will just pack the flag away in my bag and whip it out in front of unsuspecting friends and start singing the anthem. Oh yes, I could do that.

Are you still reading? You actually find this interesting? Or is it just giving you a good laugh? Are you worried about my sanity? You probably should be. I sat down to write some thoughts, and what have I come up with? Xenophilia and language learning as chore. I am also a very guilty person I am finding. If I'm not doing what I deem important work, or work that matters, I feel guilty. I do this to the point of not giving myself proper breaks and consequently running myself into the ground, until I feel like I no longer care for what I am studying. Right now I am there. Does it really matter? Probably not. And that is what I am finding a very difficult lesson to learn right now. I have to do something, because everyone has to do something. But in the end it probably all doesn't really matter or mean anything. And I probably won't like it either. I'm not sure I like it right now. But I can't start all over again. I would call myself a failure if I did, and then I'd just be miserable doing something else after four or so years of it. I could keep bees, but that would involve settling somewhere, and I don't want to settle somewhere alone. Here it comes. The question I keep coming back to whenever I sit down and think things.

I have too many things to think. I think too many things. It keeps me from sleeping. It causes me to dream dreams. The world is ending and all must praise the LORD. I am afraid.

Exams

I've got one tomorrow morning and another two days later. My problem is I don't really care about the first one, and I'm not quite sure how best to prepare for the second. I really just want to get back into the swing of school, but my classes (of which I only have two this semester) don't even start until a week after my second exam. Not that I won't have things to prepare for classes during that week, but I really just rather being reading ahead and reading for fun than studying, even with my first exam less than 24 hours away. I've done a bit of studying already and will do more today, but I haven't done nearly as much as most people I know who will be taking this same exam. I'm just not worried. So not worried that I feel the need to bog about it. Yes, I am that apathetic. Mind you, I do care about getting a good mark on this exam, but I just feel this exam and the class it is a part of are rather silly. This time tomorrow I will be through with it, and can focus on my second exam, a translation exam, which at least I see the point of. I think I may even enjoy translating for it. We shall see. And after that, I can get back into real student mode, finish up my last funding application and submit it, prepare for my classes, and still have a bit of fun. I'm quite looking forward to this second semester.